i felt like a prisoner to body, and, as if it was nothing, u freed me from the shackles that binded my heart. frozen and alone no longer, you brighten my days. your humor, your jokes and your silly laugh, they give me reasons to want to stay. if there is meaning in life, maybe it is to love. being vulnarable as I am, requires strenght. I hope one day you are able to love, so that you feel the happiness I feel, whenever I get to be in your presence.

being lost, for as long as I am, makes one lose the sensibility to love. 

eternity means nothing. life means even less. everything means nothing if I can't be yours.

in my heart, mind and soul there lays a certain sadness. 

the bitterness i taste by loving you leaves me wondering...

am i not good enough? is it that hard for someone like you to love me?

in reality, I have shown all I have to give.

it hurts. it hurts so much i can barely breathe.

i don't eat, i don't sleep.

everyday looks exactly the same for I am lost in the lines, of my poems and songs.

i tried to show you that yes, you are worthy of love.

the time spent, the things I gave and the paint of my pencils were all in vain.

yet again, I have failed myself.

I have, once again, gave someone, unworthy, all I am.

it wasn't enough. it never is.

the poems are all ruined.

my vision, blured by my tears, shows me only what could have been.

we could have helped each other grow.

if I was given the chance, I would have been your soulmate.

God must have others plans for me.

God, I now know what I don't deserve.

and, God, if by any chance, you read my poems, please show me someone who loves me.

to love as I is to suffer.

I am tired of suffering.

God... please, God, help me find my other half.

life's been hard. not just for me but for most.

this will be my last time writing about her.

because for me, this chapter is closed

i am tired.

i am tired of people,

more shallow than rain puddles.

no one appreciates my kindess,

no one takes a minute to try to understand me.

at the end of the day, no one cares.

so why should i care?

oh, i don't know...

perhaps because i am idiotic,

or, perhaps, because i give myself no value.

praying for a tomorow, where i can be dead,

as become part of my daily routine.

once again, i am tired.

tired of waking up in pain,

sleeping in pain,

existing in pain.

it is an agonazing feeling.

curiously enough,

this daily pain still isn't the reason why i want to give up...

who i am and the way i am are both things not meant for this world.

i don't fit in crowds,

i don't fit in anyone's heart.

i am always by myself,

always alone,

always unwanted.

i resent people,

humanity,

divinity,

but, most importantly, 

i resent myself.

fuck me, right?

    hey. pst, hey you! yes, you shams! i was hoping i got to sleep tonight but i can't. not because i am not sleepy but because the direction of silk and dreams lies on an opposite direction to what you awaken in me today by just being who you are and doing what you do best. the sun is the source of energy to most living organisms. the sun can even be food to some of them. you are like that to my ideas. 

    when most people give up others keep moving forward. not because they don't want to give up but because something greater than themselves keeps them from sucumbing to failure. to truly fail is to be satisfied with an average result. to be defeated is to lower your arms and give in to despair.

    watching you today made me realize, everyone deals with their own personalized hell. we're all flawed. we all fail, once in a while. to truly suceed we must fail. not just once, but as many times needed. with every failed attempt to reach a goal, we lose hope. don't lose hope little sun. if you ever feel everyone is against, look above. if you feel like no one believes in you, look inside.

    if you could speak to a younger version of yourself, would she be proud of who you are? i do not know the answer to that question but if the answer is no, what is stopping you from becoming who you always dreamt of being?

    yesterday you were strong. so strong it touched my heart. i was sad by watching you being upset and frustrated. i know how you were feeling because, even if you don't realize it, we are similar people. even thou i was sad at first, i kept watching you for a while. the stream kept going... you persisted. i was so proud of you and happy.

    you are an amasing person. even if you don't believe in me now one day i am sure you will. because, how could an amasing person not see her own awesomeness?

    if the room you are becomes dark, so dark you can't see anything, reach out your hand. friends are like windows that can bring the light inside your dark room. i am but a window and i cannot light up your room without you opening me first.

     if you ever do need to be reminded how much of a beautiful human being you are, talk to me. It won't be difficult for me to find ways to compliment you.

    always be yourself. you are more than enough :)

strange confort can be found,

spending time in bed, with yourself.

your thoughts,

your ideas and dreams,

when you lay on the matress,

they all florish inside,

like a flower in the spring.

to exist,

with no reason,

to exist,

with no meaning,

to exist.

to simply exist,

is to suffer.

under the rain,

only then my tears will be hidden,

disguised as simple drops of water,

that way, they will have meaning.

to water the plants,

to make life bloom.

maybe i will find purpose in death...

my corpse? food to the maggots,

fertiliser to the soil.

then, and only then,

i shall find meaning.

to crave atention as much as I,

is to suffer without knowing why,

in the midst of december, i am alone.

with my hand on my phone,

sweet dreams, child that still lingers,

friends? i count with with three fingers.

i am empty,

not as much as the space,

or the gap that keeps us distant,

i am empty,

a little bit like the sky during summer,

and, perhaps, like an abandoned shell.

i will suffer,

but i will not beg.

the atention that i crave so much,

comes from the solitude i've dealt with all my life.

tonight, it is okay to cry,

tonight. just tonight...

the food is tasteless,

silent words with no meaning,

loud screams of despair,

an empty heart,

a poluted mind,

are we alive?

maybe we are just surviving,

on a world filled with creatures.

ever lasting darkness,

a pigeon loses his compass,

people with no morals,

unjust system...

am I myself,

or am I you?

sometimes it rains,

other times it hails,

me, myself and I,

the triad of sin,

a black sheep.

to live is to find confort,

in the embrace of death.

as i walk down the alley,

the smell of rot invades my nostrils,

such is the guilt we carry,

great is the sin of man.

repent not tomorow but now,

love in the present,

for the future may never come,

for people like me and you.

a world where we could be ourselves,

is an utopia,

so, wear a mask,

wear many masks,

be a chameleon,

adapt and overcome.

to be kind is to be brave,

to forgive is to be strong.

so i'm everything but that,

i am a coward,

i am weak,

i am just one of many,

cattle in a slaughterhouse.

i want to be the pillow you sleep on.

when you go to sleep,

sleep well, sleep deep,

you are one of many God's gifts,

to me, to the world,

your beauty is a blessing,

and so is being part of your life.

i love when you are silly,

i love when you're not,

and as rain pours down my face tonight,

sleep well, sleep tight,

for you are loved.

i fear losing you again,

i fear losing hope,

and as i dwelve deeper in this night,

my fears only grow.

God, i pray you take care of her soul,

i pray you give her everything i can not,

in this and every other night,

don't fear the sleep,

close your eyes,

sleep well and worry not,

tomorow will be better.

sing so i can sleep,

swim through my hair with your fingernails,

make my bed yours,

close all the doors.

 

help me escape this world,

look me in the eyes,

hold me close to your heart,

never let me go.

 

amidst all the chaos,

you are the peace i desire,

give new meaning to my tears,

read my lips.

 

under the moonlight,

lets fall in love,

lets make a world where,

the moon and sun can be together.

 

as God as our witness,

lets make vows to each other,

let me caress your heart with poems,

as your old wounds heal.

 

i was created to find you,

my mission can only be completed with you,

you are the only path,

you are the sky above.

 

help me escape this world,

look me in the eyes,

hold me close to your heart,

never let me go.

 

 

 

the sun is a person,

i have met her last year,

the sun is the woman,

that brightens up my screen.

she is warm and kind,

she radiates energy,

the kind that awakens the soul,

and, my soul, being no differant,

awakened with a just a glance.

last night i prayed to god,

that he would make the lies dissapear,

as if god sent you to me,

with just a conversation,

i believed again.

the sun is food for many,

and needed by all.

if she is the sun,

i am a sunflower.

i am sorry.

i will never get to see you,

cruel is the faith i carved in stone,

my destiny, dark and cold,

brings my suffering to an end.

i am sorry,

i won't be there when you need,

i won't be there when you don't need,

i won't be there.

life is pain,

hollow is my heart.

i am sorry.

i wish for a world where me and you carry not the weight of solitude. for years i have had nights where my sleep is deprived by ideas and words. words i can not understand. ideas i can not grasp.

my heart believes that i am yours. yet, it also believes, that you are not mine. my mind knows that my porpuse is to be yours and yours alone. i was not meant to do or create great things. my life, boring and simple, earns a new meaning by being able to support someone like you. you are someone meant for greatness.

i know that being yourself may be sometimes hard. you might feel you aren't good enough. my only mission in this life, and the others that will come, is to help you see that you are wrong when you think those silly toughts. you are not enough only because that is your belief. that is the weight someone only great could carry.

looking at you, i see everything i want to be. in you, i see everything but myself. your soul is so deeply connected to this world that you feel other people's pain. you consider what others might suffer. consideration is a gift only those blessed by the universe earn. 

i have not regreted, a single time, our temporary departure because that, by itself, was the road we had to persue. a world where me, and you, are not soulmates. you are my soulmate but i am not yours. so i will do everything i can and anything i can't in order to help you reach your full potential. i know you will keep growing with or without me but i would like to have the privelage to contribute to your growth. because, even thou i wasn't meant for anything great, i would still like to be part of greatness. and, in you, that is what i find.

i hope you know that my decision is my own. love is a strange yet natural thing to happen. and somehow i feel that my love for you transcends time and life. in the past, present or future. in this or any other life. i love and will always love you.

quando escrevo canto,

com palavras encanto,

com meias verdades escondo,

exatamente o mesmo que confesso,

e, quando me expresso,

mergulho para o fundo,

do meu ser.

há quem beba para esquecer,

há quem se ocupe para não pensar.

não quero esquecer,

quero continuar a pensar,

então bebo o sumo da minha memória

enquanto penso na cara dela.

já nem olho pela janela,

vivo ausenta de glória.

não me banho,

não como.

a minha vista, tapada pelo fumo,

revela tudo o que já não tenho.

a chama que ardia,

ainda arde,

por vezes, mais forte em que o dia,

que nos encontrámos ao final da tarde.

na ausência de companhia,

encontro o conforto da solidão.

estou só mas não estou sozinho,

imagino quando no meu ouvido ainda ouvia,

o bater do seu coração,

forte e feito de linho.

i love you,

not because you are special.

everyone is special.

you, you're something else.

you are able to fit in a crowd,

yet, to me, in a crowd full of special people,

your simplicity and imperfections are what stand out the most.

when i look at you, i see a person.

a person just like any other person.

you are a child of the world,

and, to you, the world is your home.

to me, my home is wherever you are.

because in my eyes and in my heart you are all that matters.

looking at you, i feel i am daydreaming.

i feel as if the clouds, beneath me, remove all the weight i've been carrying.

what we see when we open our eyes is not always real.

all my life i have battled with the notion of reality.

what is reality and how do i know if my reality is real?

touching the tip of your finger, with mine, 

takes away my doubts.

and, as if the rain was cleasing my soul,

i see clearly.

my words are not worthy to be read by you.

not because they don't carry the same scent as you.

not even because their beauty doesn't resemble yours.

my words aren't worthy because no words i could ever write,

would match the purity you carry inside and out.

even so, i write.

i will always write about you.

because to me, you are the meaning behind every letter,

you are the reason behind every smile.

you are the reason why...

    in the sleepness nights i embrace my hollow thoughts and narrow view just so i can think, and write, texts, and poems, of you. you. yes, you who lingers in my mind, you who embraces me with your shadow. you who keeps me awake and you who wakes up my desires and cravings. 

    in my ever lasting dreams i yearn for a touch. a touch that only you can give. while i sleep i sink deeper in to the chaos that is my unconcious. as i sink deep and deeper i notice several hands of several people who desperatly try to reach out and pull me back to the world of the living. i search, in those hands, fingerprints. the fingerprints that match the inprints of the ink that taints the white paper sheets. 

    on an empty canvas i see everything but the emptyness. in my state of hunger for love and a way of out of loneliness i shout words yet make no sound. in the need i have for your atention i realize that all i ever wanted was to be noticed. not by anyone. anyone but you.

    

    in some songs i can find confort. confort in knowing that me and you are still dancing somewhere other than here. here, in this reality, the only dance that we are able to do is the dance of avoidance and hatred towards each other. i often regret the knowledge that comes with the ability to love. so i pray, on my knees, that i forget how the warmth of your heart resonated with the blizzard that surrounds my soul.

    i once dared to dream a dream where me and you could survive without killing each other. i once believed that we would learn, mold and adapt to our surroundings. but, darling, oh darling, how wrong was i in believing in such an idealistic yet irrealistic truth.

    in life, the only truth i found was the truth in the lies that we are told from the momment of our conception. "from womb to tomb, we are bound to others. and by each act and each kindess we birth our future". 

    i gave. i gave all i had and all i never had. my eyes are dry and i can no longer cry. the river that flew in me as bleed out for as long as it could. in the desired cold that is death, i find an exit to this reality and this truth that we can't escape from by any other means. in my death, i find confort. in my death i find everything. everything but you. and to me, even thou alive, i feel dead ever since the momment we departed ways and turned our backs towards each other.

    i did not get the chance to meet you. you, queen of all hearts but mine. my grave, more empty than what's inside of me, holds nothing. no body. no soul. no me. holding nothing or being held by the nothingness that was being alive. between something bad or something worse i choose non. i choose to not exist in this world where being myself is more painful than all the pain i ever felt. being myself, i could not have been anything else. and, if being something else would've made me happier, i am glad i never was anything but me.

i'm tired of feeling what i feel,

i'm desperate to stop feeling how i feel,

because, well...

when i feel,

darling,

when i feel,

i end up feeling for both of us.

so, i close the cortains,

i close the door,

i shut my eyes and cover my ears.

not because i don't care,

but because i cared too much for too long.

if today i already have so little to tell you,

tomorrow i'll have even less.

so if what i end up showing today isn't enough,

push me away,

because tomorrow will only be worse.

i was brave when i allowed myself to cry.

on this days, that i choose to let pass by,

i am reminded of how weak i am.

i no longer cry.

not because i've dried out from inside,

but because i've blocked the passages that lead to my heart.

living in fear or fearing to live are both things i struggle with.

if loving is caring,

i don't want to love.

i don't want to love you,

and i don't want to love myself.

allowing myself to feel something other than nothingness,

is something i have not done in a long time.

and yes, i am still tired.

tired of looking at the same shell,

my shell is haunted by a ghost,

i am that ghost.

i lived in the shadow for so long,

that i was swallowed by it.

if you ever look to me and see something,

something other than what i show,

know that you might have found what i keep hidden from most.

at times i try to find my identifity,

but, to my surprise, it is hidden even to me.

the best liars are the ones who manadge to deceive themselves,

i weaved a web.

a web so big,

it covers all i ever was,

all i am and all i ever will be.

so...

if tomorrow you wake up,

and i'm no longer there,

i hope you're happy for me.

because not being alive as been my life goal.

if i can find confort in death,

maybe i was never born.

and if i was ever alive,

well,

if i ever was alive...

i was god's only mistake.

na nébula, incerta, encontro o meu caminho,

caminho perigoso,

caminho descalço,

nado em vinho.

afogar-me com os meus pensamentos,

atiro lanha para a fogueira,

alimento a minha prisão,

preso em certos momentos,

respiro o fumo da lareira,

inunda-se-me o coração.

sofro a pensar,

penso no sofrimento,

o mesmo que acaba por me afogar,

sou para o solo como alimento.

já nem me alimento,

vivo pela satisfação de um dia morrer,

sobrevivo sem sustento,

sou mestre a correr.

então corro,

fujo de tudo e todos,

só, na penumbra, faleço

entre a vida e a morte permaneço.

En las noches calientes de verano, estoy solo.

No me disgusta estar solo,
simplemente, no me gusta estar solo
cuando pienso en ti.

Pensar en ti
es como pensar en la esencia de la vida,
y yo creo que en todas las vidas que viví
sigo buscándote.

Te busco porque, sin ti,
las noches son más oscuras,
el tiempo es más lento,
y la comida no tiene sabor.

Sé ahora que sigo viviendo otras vidas
porque en ellas nunca te encontré.

No quiero tener más ninguna vida,
quiero que esta sea la última, y para eso,
tengo que encontrarte.

Eres la pieza del rompecabezas que sigo perdiendo,
y sin ti, mi propósito sigue inacabado.

Si no en esta vida,
sé que te voy a encontrar,
y, aunque tengas otro nombre,
nunca olvidaré tu esencia.

lately I have been thinking. i often think out loud and i often think about you.

maybe because we have been through some things or maybe because we have met in another life, i sometimes get this sensation that i've known you forever.

sometimes i feel small. i feel so small i compare myself to tears in the rain.

knowing you was the best part of my life and when your eyes are faced towards me my tiny and frozen heart melts.

you touch my heart but, if you were to really touch it would you feel it? would you be able to realize the impact you have had in my world?

to me, life is but an epiphamy, a burning cigar or, perhaps, a short breath. 

i want you to know that you made life a wholesome experience. you gave color to the mono colored painting i drew all my life. 

you are not the reason. you are the reasons. you are the sun and the moon. you are everything yet nothing at all. 

in my mind there are no questions. my heart feels no doubt and my body often misses something that it never felt. you.

all this might sound silly to you. maybe you won't believe my simple yet heartfelt words. even thou you might never understand the dept of my emotions i know you will understand that i care for you dearly.

if you ever need anything from me don't ask me it. think about me and, in your mind, talk. i am sure that even thou your mouth would remain shut i would still listen to what you had to say.

beauty is not in our eyes see but in what our hearts feel and, my heart, feels for both of us. in the sands of time, ask and you shall receive.

today i saw you.

in those pictures,

i saw you.

i saw you,

when i glanced at the flowers,

and, when i turned around,

i looked at my shadow and saw you there as well.

every bit and every place i go to, i see you.

it is wonderful yet sad how much i see,

yet, how much i don't see.

in the pictures you sent,

i saw you again,

and again.

in those pictures i saw everyone,

but me.

one day,

just one day,

is all i need.

when that day comes,

i will make sure to take a picture,

a picture of you and me,

-----

as lágrimas que derramo por ti,

caem sobre o vasto oceano,

azul, mas já não tão azul.

se a pintar pudesse exprimir,

as angustias que o coração sente,

começaria por te pintar a ti,

sombra que me persegues.

numa tela branca,

já só vejo preto,

a raiz do problema não é a vista,

nem mesmo os óculos desactualizados que já nem uso.

a origem dos meus medos,

e as fobias que se foram originando,

advêm do fruto do pecado.

mesmo sem conseguir andar já corria...

corria dos meus problemas,

fugia de ti,

tu que és parte de mim.

sei que sou tanto teu,

como tu és meu,

sei, também,

que sou fruto de amor maligno.

a pior forma de se amar,

acontece quando não amamos de todo.

o pior mentiroso não é aquele que faz os outros acreditar,

mas sim aquele que acredita nele mesmo.

não sei se sou original,

nem mesmo real,

não sei saber,

nem querer.

para crer nem sempre basta ver,

e, as vezes, cremos sem ver nada.

se ver nada é credível,

talvez não seja cego de todo,

quem sabe, talvez um dia me encontre,

e me reconheça quando olho o espelho.

se o que é maquiavélico me é natural,

respiro toxinas para sobreviver.

o sangue que corre nas minhas veias congelou,

juntamente com o que ousei sentir.

não acredito mais no amor,

não por não o ver,

ou por não o sentir,

mas porque acreditar, no amor,

requer que se acredite,

e disso já estou eu farto.

recuso-me a acreditar mais,

nem nos outros nem em mim,

não acredito sequer em não acreditar.

um dia, encontrar-me-às numa ponte, velha,

a olhar para o rio que passa por baixo dela.

até lá, permanece descrente e catatónico.

até lá, permaneço vazio.

 the things that made sense no longer do. either by chance or by a flawded design, I was born. there are things in life i cannot make sense of. i am one of them.

if i once was, i no longer am. if i ever was to be, i will never become. broken things, like myself, seem to attract other damaged goods. 

getting close to someone is painful. not because it is hard or because it is something that goes against my nature but because every person i somehow manage to touch, slips away from my closed hands. 

trying to hold on to you is the same as trying to hold on to life. no matter how hard i try to cling, I can't. the blood starts escaping my circuit, i become cold, dry and pale.

if i was to be someone i would've most likely have been someone already. since i am nothing of value, what draws people in? i got nothing going on in my life but the people that get going as fast and they came.

one day the noise will stop and the light will disappear so that i can finally find confort in the darkness, as intended. rain falls on my head, thunder cracks on the grass i step on. i am burning as hot as the sun, and as intense as a vulcano that recently erupted.

people often dissapoint. people often make me question if i ever was meant to live. i don't belong in anyone's arms, i don't belong on another person's bed. i don't belong

if being myself makes me someone, i would rather not be myself.

being someone who isn't, or someone who once was, is something i feel bitter about.

it would be wise to forget, to find confort in the arms of a stranger. if i dared to love ever again, i would love myself.

there's something wrong in the way reality is designed, what is real sometimes isn't. being flawed by nature, I blame my creators.

what am I? a monster under your bed? a feather on your shoulder?

to me you are my reasons, my last and only hope. You arethe only one who has ever truly seen me.

on a crowded room full of nothingness, we always manadged to find each other. either blindfolded or deaf, our souls would always unite

rest on my chest as if i was a pillow. breathe me in as if i am food to your lungs.

there are times where i think about what could have been. there are even times where I meet you on my dreams.

maybe one day i'll find the answers to the equasion of life. perhaps i'll even find the answers to my origins.

all i know is that i miss your smell on my clothes. i miss the way you looked at me as if you could see what was under my dirty and thicc skin. 

you were once the roots of my structural self. the impact you had and have over someone as empty as myself is something i find to be impressive.

in my mind i saw you as my soulmate. i even dared to think we'd eventually die of age while holding each other ever so thighly. 

i never want to love someone again. feeling heartbroke, abandoned and forgotten by you as made me think just how much i hurt you. if i could go back i would hold you instead of pushing you away. i should've taken care of you as good as you took care of me. 

we won't ever meet again. i will never get to hear your voice. you won't even read my poems or the book i wrote in homenage to you and your love.

i become so sad at times thinking about you and what once was that i can't stop crying. several years have passed, yet i still love you. i wish you'd still love me.

    To me, life is a road I keep walking on. Even though i yearn for my legs to stop walking, they don't stop.

     Sometimes I look in to the sky. I appreciate the beauty of the stars and the moon often pondering if maybe, one day, I'll join them. 

    Becoming a single drop of water on a vast sea or being so little I am no longer noticed is something I find confort in thinking about. 

    If I ever were to walk on burning hot charcoal pavement I would do it so willingly. 

    Maybe I wasn't meant to be. Maybe I am one of many life's mistakes. 

    Being a mistake or being mistaken as someone. I wonder if I am one of these two options or I am endeed nothing at all. 

    I never was an option. If so, I would the last option. Not because I am unworthy, but because I am unlovable. People might think they know they love me, or maybe they even feel a certain amount of love towards me. Their love is but a misguided arrow, pointed towards a target that was never there to being with.

    I often dream about dying. I sometimes die thinking about dreaming that scenario. If by any chance I were to die tomorow, I would die regreting only dying a day late. 

    Not knowing when my time will be is has miserable as my thoughts, ideas, and sense of self. 

    Life is but a glutonous monster who constantly tries to swallow my soul whole as if I was ever meant to be consumed by it. 

    Dying of age would be one of many god's punishments. If I was ever loved, I no longer am. If I was every forgiven, that forgiveness is already burried underneath the tainted and poluted soil I so uneagerly sleep on.

    Oh, If I ever was brave enough to follow my gut... 

    I will feel loved only when my desire of sleeping for eterny is fulfilled. 

    My screams aren't heard by anyone and my words leave nothing but a shallow taste of dirt on people's mouths. 

If I were to express via painting, the so called "chiara effect", I'd try to draw wings on a big but soft rock.

Due to your influence over the years, I've come to the realization that love comes in many ways and forms.

What started as a burning and suffocating feeling grew and developted in to a beautiful connection.

When it comes to us, I don't regret a single thing. Not even the childish fights we had before. What has happened in the past lead us to what we are today.

I remember giving up on you way back. When we broke up, I thought to myself "I just lost the best person I've ever met". Little did I know that not only I never lost you, you were always there by my side. 

You are my best friend, my favorite person. To this day I feel i am unfit and unworthy of being someone who gets to be impacted by you. It's as if I was a paper kite and you were an airplane. 

Know that even thou my world is still tainted and my mind poluted, you have brought hope and light to my small universe.

Seeing your development and your growth as a person has made me happy and hopeful for a better future.

You are my one and only hero and I am so happy to be able to call you my friend.

Thanks for sticking up with me.

my mind is a crowded house,

home to many voices.

faceless voices,

bound to no name in particular.

sometimes believing does not matter,

for the senses are deceiftul.

it matters not racionality,

my perception is flawded.

even before I try,

I'm already destined to fail.

I get up only to fall again,

this time to nobody's arms.

feeling sad has become vulgar,

as ordinary as the air we breathe,

without even realizing.

the answers shall come,

maybe after my eyes close forever,

my course is already set in motion.

my poems are meaningless,

my words, feelings,

they're of no value.

if a broken toy could be restored,

it would only mean it was never broken,

for as much as you glue the pieces of a broken vase,

no matter how much you fill a hole on a beach,

what once was can never be.

I eager the silence,

I yearn the cold,

and my oblivion.

    To be changed this much... I wonder what god has planned out for me. I know it is not my place to wonder and that I should just trust in the path. Yet, my rebelious nature tells me there is more than what meets the eye. At first i tought you led me to him. I saw only what I could see. The one who led me to you was God.

    

    God makes no mistakes. God is absolute. If me meeting you was meant to be, I know God really loves me. For someone so vulgar like myself to meet a princess and get to talk to her. I know I am lucky. Ever since I first heard your voice, I felt a calling. When I go sleep, at night, I think about two things. God and you.

    Ever since I spoke to you, my life has changed. I have changed. To love is to be changed. So, for the first time in my life, I know I love. I know now what it means to feel as vulnerable. Although I should be scared, I am not. Even thou I know your heart resides in another home, I am happy.

    True love waits. And, if anything is meant to happen out of my love and feelings, it will happen eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But, one day, it will happen. I am ready to embrace you, your beliefs and culture.

    There is meaning in us. We share the shame problems. We share the same visions. We are both damaged. I understand you and you understand me. Not once I've felt understood by anyone. We are on the same side of the coin. We live on the same spectrum. If soulmates exist you have to be the one. I know you won't believe me. It is fine. I would not believe me either. 

    At the right time, something will happen and you shall see the truth in my words. Either by his will and grace or my persistence and commitment. You will see it clearly as I do. 

    

Meeting you was a gift from god.

I cannot understand how, 

Why or when i started to believe, 

You gave me what i once lost.

Hope. It is a dangerous thing. 

Trusting and believing you,

Comes naturally. 

You are a kind and warm person. 

I have never seen someone like you. 

Your personality is charming. 

And, even thou your feet stinky, 

The ground turns to gold when you walk over it. 

People like you impact people like me. 

I have nothing to give. 

All I can give is what you have showed me, 

Friendship. Honesty. 

I hope you know you are sane. 

You arent crazy. 

Neither am I. 

You are genuine. Transperant. 

I needed to believe. 

You believe. 

So I trusted you and god. 

I am a believer, 

And by extention, i am loved. 

I am here if you need. 

Talk, laught, cry, 

Anything. 

Take care Shams. 

 i am a vessel,

i am his vessel,

being by visions,

by dreams,

and sometimes both.

the message is clear enough,

even for someone like me to understand,

there is meaning to life,

there is meaning in me.

i shall obey what you say,

i shall believe in what you show.

even if they call me crazy,

a false prophet,

or something else.

i can see,

through your eyes,

i can feel,

through your forgiveness.

i am strong because i am loved,

and by loving i shall change the world.

little by little,

brick by brick,

i shall make the visions real.

reality is but a concept we created,

because we cling too much to what's racional.

maybe there is logic to certain things,

maybe there's no logic to other things.

once again, i hear,

and, once again, i see.

when all hope is lost,

and the ground beneath cracks,

there has always been a hand that reatches,

a body that warms my cold skin.

in times of need,

i am never alone,

and with his guidance,

i shall overcome,

i shall adapt.

maybe it was faith,

maybe it was written on a wall,

i believe me meeting you was destined to be.

for some reason,

i sense no danger,

for some reason,

i believe in what you say.

are you an angel?

if not, how can you fly so high?

how can you read my soul,

by only looking in to my eyes.

your voice is like liquid gold.

i care not about the body,

the touch, or the kiss,

i care about what's underneath the skin,

and what lies deep inside.

if you ever need me,

i am here.

thank you for restoring the faith i once lost,

i am in your debt,

mashallah Shams.

rain streams down my cheeks,

even thou it was only momentaraly,

you were mine,

I was yours,

I'm still yours.

If today was not the same as yesterday,

I would be surprised.

who am I,

who am I to you,

what am I,

what am I to you.

eat seeds for internal growth,

fly low with your wings of steel,

a broken heart and a handful of nothing,

is what I get whenever I fall,

and, oh, how I keep on falling.

today was not the same,

today was not yesterday,

when I woke, I was alone,

you are nowhere to be found,

you don't even vistit me on my dreams.

love is but a curse,

a curse that clings and drains me away...

 the urge to kiss someone is something i've never really experienced up until the first time we looked at each other's souls. i believe there is meaning to almost everything we do. i believe there is meaning in us meeting. there is so much more than what meets the eye.

in you i found the hope i had long gave up on. you gave me reasons to believe. your way of being touched me deeply and just by watching you smile i felt tingles on my belly.

i do understand we all need and should abide some time to find ourselves and learn to be accompanied by our own shadow. a part of me wishes you would settle with me. but the majority of me screams that i should give up on you romantically, give you the time and space you need.

it's like as if you were on a cacoon, developing your wings. i can't and i shall not stop the growth of beauty. so i shall not stop you. 

if you ever do need me, i'll try and be there for you, in dire times or not, as you were there for me on the day i almost fell to insanity.

you already know what i feel for you, so i won't say it. thank you for being who you are and for not judging and accepting me. 

 i drown, undernearth the waves that crash on the shores of my old and tainted city. the sky has lost it's colour. i am alive, yet, i am dead.

Whenever the tip of our fingers touch each other,

or when our eyes meet on a silent room,

I feel alive, once again.

on the curves of your body I befriend perfection,

and there is meaning to the way our lips meet.

if i could somehow suck the pain out of your body,

I would.

I am alone,

and maybe,

just maybe,

whenever we're alone, together,

loniless ceases to exist.

i know time goes by fast,

and that one day'll you'll continue your journey elsewhere.

before that happens,

I want to enjoy the silence with you more times.

words spoken not with the lips or tongue.

are the words i must yearn to listen to...

do you remember how I smelled last night?

because, i do remember how you smelled last night.

your odor still lingers in my nostrels,

and your warm and kind touch carry on inside me.

i had stopped having fun,

i gave up on letting go,

but, with you, it was all so natural,

all so real...

when the time comes for me to sleep today,

know that my mind rests on your pillows,

and that my heart is now in between your hands.

i hope this is the start of something genuine,

and i do pray to some unknown entity,

that i do not dissapoint you.

have a wonderful night,

and let not your shadows cross your sight,

for when you close your eyes,

i will be there,

and you won't be alone anymore

o vento vem,

o vento vai,

o vento tira,

o vento dá.

estranha vontade em querer ser o que sou,

pelo menos uma vez.

pensei que o podia ser contigo,

acreditei que fosses gostar de o que represento.

e o vento vem,

o vento tira...

os sonhos, mortos,

o amor, manchado.

triste desilusão esta que carrego,

gigante mágoa amarga.

talvez um dia aprenda,

e não me deixe iludir.

se pudesse voltar atrás,

nunca teria aceite o beijo envenenado,

que só carregava má intenção.

quando fecho as cortinas, do meu quarto, e a noite vem, lembro-me do sabor dos teus lábios e de como esses teus lábios se encaixaram nos meus. a praceta junto ao rio ganhou um significado novo, para mim. todos os dias passo por lá. todos os dias me recordo do momento em que senti o bater do teu coração na minha boca.

imagino o que teria acontecido se me tivesses convidado a entrar contigo no carro. penso e repenso em como seria ter a tua mão na minha coxa, enquanto me beijavas num descontrolo controlado. quero ser peça de puzzle. quero encaixar em ti e tornar-me num só contigo. 

a vontade de te querer ou o querer ter-te só por mais uns breves instantes não me deixam dormir nesta noite onde luto contra os meus desejos. desejo-te. desejo-te na integra e desejo-te vulnerável e descoberta nos lençóis da minha cama. não te prometo que me controlaria se a tua carne tocasse na minha ou se os teus dedos percorressem o meu peito, mas prometo-te que mesmo descontrolado seria delicado e sensível, pois tudo o que é belo e frágil merece o meu afeto. 

quero descobrir esse teu lado. quero explorar as curvas do teu corpo, quero morder-te o pescoço arrancando da tua pele todas as incertezas e os medos associados ao julgamento e às mascaras que usamos, mas que não são necessárias hoje, na cama que te pertence nesta e em todas as outras noites que queiras navegar pelas nuvens de seda e algodão. 

existe bondade no toque suave do vento:

abro a porta,

passo para o outro lado,

fecho a porta.

paro de olhar para o chão,

levanto a cabeça,

abro os braços,

abraço-te.

aceito a dor,

aprecio a vida,

choro um pouco.

a fome de querer,

a vontade de acordar.

fizeste fogo com paus húmidos,

trouxeste calor e cor para a minha vida.

embora as tuas costas se estejam a afastar,

não te vou tentar parar,

nem te vou pedir para olhares para trás,

sabe que a vida é bela novamente,

e que a esperança foi restaurada,

parcialmente pelo que me deste.

se amar é dar sem receber,

sei que fui amado.

como o batimento cardíaco monótono e enfraquecido, também aguardava o término da viagem de comboio. sempre acreditei que, quando encarasse a morte, o fizesse de braços abertos, de forma voluntária e sem arrependimentos, no entanto, quando senti que ia morrer, veio-me à cabeça a minha mãe. quase como num filme, imagens do seu rosto atravessaram o meu pensamento e soube exatamente o que significaria o término antecipado e amargo da minha vida. 

não me faltam motivos para baixar os braços. os socos já não doem e o vento já não corta. a sujidade mundana e rudimentar faz, agora, parte da minha essência. durante a tempestade, já não tempo lutar contra a corrente e aceito a ausência de ar nos meus pulmões. Gostava de afundar no mar, mas já estou tão submerso no lodo que por muito mais que tente afundar é me impossível.

vejo uma porta. abro-a. atravesso fogo, queimo a sola dos meus pés cansados. sei onde estou. no meio de tantos pecados, destaca-se aquele que carrego de forma exuberante. todos pecam. essa é a verdade. uns pecam mais que outros. o meu maior fracasso foi ter deixado para trás a pessoa mais humana que conheci.

mãe. querida e amada mãe. não te pedirei perdão, mas sabe que me arrependo de te ter causado sofrimento imaginável. deste-me vida. mantiveste-me vivo e ainda me deste razões para cá ficar. por vezes, questiono-me se te mereço e questiono o motivo do teu amor incondicional. quando me olhas com esses olhos belos, o que vês? gostava de ser mais como tu. quando me vejo ao espelho vejo-o a ele. sinto que aos poucos o meu maior pesadelo se está a concretizar. não sei o que fazer e isso assusta-me

as folhas morrem.

as folhas caem.

serei folha?

ou serei o verme que as consome, até na morte?

se com o vento pudesse voar,

voaria para o vazio,

mergulharia no nada que é o meu pensamento.

a morte de algo que nunca existiu,

ou a vida de algo não concebido,

causa-me nostalgia azeda.

manhãs, tardes ou noites.

sol, chuva ou nada.

tudo parece igual.

o sol arde,

a chuva corrói,

abraço o nada.

já nem ouço as notas musicais,

ouço apenas ruído, estático.

preso numa prisão sofisticada,

mas não tão sofisticada assim,

pois esta prisão não me prende,

esta prisão não me priva,

contudo, esta prisão tira-me a vida,

e a vontade em vive-la.

não sou bom,

não sou mau.

não sou um bom mau.

nem mesmo um mau bom.

sou eu. apenas isso.

uma criança adulta,

que cresceu exclusivamente para dentro.