i'm tired of feeling what i feel,

i'm desperate to stop feeling how i feel,

because, well...

when i feel,

darling,

when i feel,

i end up feeling for both of us.

so, i close the cortains,

i close the door,

i shut my eyes and cover my ears.

not because i don't care,

but because i cared too much for too long.

if today i already have so little to tell you,

tomorrow i'll have even less.

so if what i end up showing today isn't enough,

push me away,

because tomorrow will only be worse.

i was brave when i allowed myself to cry.

on this days, that i choose to let pass by,

i am reminded of how weak i am.

i no longer cry.

not because i've dried out from inside,

but because i've blocked the passages that lead to my heart.

living in fear or fearing to live are both things i struggle with.

if loving is caring,

i don't want to love.

i don't want to love you,

and i don't want to love myself.

allowing myself to feel something other than nothingness,

is something i have not done in a long time.

and yes, i am still tired.

tired of looking at the same shell,

my shell is haunted by a ghost,

i am that ghost.

i lived in the shadow for so long,

that i was swallowed by it.

if you ever look to me and see something,

something other than what i show,

know that you might have found what i keep hidden from most.

at times i try to find my identifity,

but, to my surprise, it is hidden even to me.

the best liars are the ones who manadge to deceive themselves,

i weaved a web.

a web so big,

it covers all i ever was,

all i am and all i ever will be.

so...

if tomorrow you wake up,

and i'm no longer there,

i hope you're happy for me.

because not being alive as been my life goal.

if i can find confort in death,

maybe i was never born.

and if i was ever alive,

well,

if i ever was alive...

i was god's only mistake.