Due to me being unable to deal with certain emotions and thoughts i decided to restart theraphy. I have been unable to sleep and when i am able to finally sleep my brain wakes me up. i been having nightmares. things i would rather never have to see. Sometimes i wake up crying and full of sweat. 

The more we care about someone the more we become vulnerable to pain. I don't fear the pain. I don't fear my own suffering or death. But, for some reason, the idea of a world where you are no longer there makes it unbearable for me.

I keep thinking, if i had been awake when she texted me would i have been able to change anything? I was unable to help you when you needed me the most. Now, everytime i am about to sleep my mind is transported to scenarios where i need to be awake.

I know you don't love me as i love you. It doesn't bother or hurt me one bit. You know, if I could be yours and make you mine I would do it. If you would want such a thing I'd accept it. For you and for you only i would abandom my current life just to be there for you. 

Maybe i am not the one you want to fill such a role. I get that. But, still, I would do it because i know i could be of some use to your well being and mental health if i was present. 

I look at you. I think about you. Althou you are the one i am looking at i can see myself clearly in you to. We are very much alike. At the same time, we share our differances. I know more about you now than i did when we first met. Your past, although troubled and traumatic, is the reason you are who you are. And if you could see yourself without the lences of depression maybe you could see yourself for who you really are.

Depression changes our perceptions of self. Don't trust your senses, heart or mind if all they tell you leads to negativity and self hate. I know it is hard to trust someone else on this but trust me. I have walked the path you are now walking and i to have faced similar trials. You are able to move on with your life, leave the past where it belongs and build a better future for yourself and the ones you love.

If you were no longer present in my life it would affect me deeply. It affected me deeply you know. The idea and uncertenty of you being dead. I won't be able to handle your passing. I know i won't. In a way, i feel i was made for you and you alone.

I hope you let me help you. I hope mostly that u help yourself. Please.