in the moments where i despair,

i close my eyes,

i see my pair.

for you only, a love that never dies,

and a bond that never shatters.

out of everything, you are what most matters.

you are the symbol of life,

you are the reason i believe,

one day, you will be wife,

maybe, not to me,

but what gift is greater than love?

and that is what you have shown me.

so, even if lost, in the fog of time,

i will not lose hope.

such is the gift you have given me,

that even being lost i am found,

even crying i am smiling.

no one exists or ever will,

with beauty and divinity,

as pure as yourself,

sun.

sun that is not mine,

or ever will.

maybe the beauty is not in having,

maybe what is truly perfect,

is what we will never have,

but, instead, what we always had,

even without realizing.

and, in all honesty,

i might not be yours,

or even will be.

but, on the other hand,

my heart and thoughts are.

all that i am.

all that i ever will be.

i choose to give,

not to anyone...

anyone but you, Shams.

on days like this, where the sun shines not on me, I wonder and ponder questions far to complex for someone simple as I to answer. i confess, only to God, what goes through my mind. in my prayers I ask for enlightenment. I often pray for a way out of loneliness but, no matter how hard I try, I can not seem to find a way out. tonight i dreamt of you. you whose name resembles everything. 

you are not life itself. you are what keeps live going. on the surface, of the vast ocean, that are my thoughts, i can find you, swimming. 

i often feel the presence of the divine in my dreams. as if told a riddle or shown a mystery, i am left to find the meaning behind this guidance. if you are not meant for me, why do you insist in travelling a continent to visit me while i sleep. if dreams are the only place where i can be with you then i don't ever want to wake up again.

there are times where i feel not like a person. there are even times where i don't even feel anything at all. in the moments where i question. whenever i have doubts. God shows me you. 

i understand not the work of God. i dare not to question the reasons or motives behind what i see. i believe. i feel. and, even when I am not next to you or the light, i feel your warmth touching my skin.

maybe one day... maybe one day you shall see what i see and feel what i feel. one day, you will find love. whenever you find it, I'll be there, waiting with open arms.

i love you.

    

 like a boat, drifts away, so does life.

shallow is a world where i can not be,

empty my mind,

set me free,

unshackle me,

release me.

on a dark painted house,

lies a not so dark heart,

kindness still lingers deep within,

hidden, by masks,

unkown to many.

there are many people,

but no one reaches out,

I sink to the depths of the sea,

where there is only the darkness and me.

sleep tight, child I once was,

enjoy the hapiness while it lasts,

for all that is good ends fast.

like grains of sand on a desert storm,

I am but meaningless,

just one more meat shield on a war field.

the bullets keep hitting my core,

I bleed and bleed again,

but the pain, that once was present, no longer is.

i've become doll.

i've become motionless.

i felt like a prisoner to body, and, as if it was nothing, u freed me from the shackles that binded my heart. frozen and alone no longer, you brighten my days. your humor, your jokes and your silly laugh, they give me reasons to want to stay. if there is meaning in life, maybe it is to love. being vulnarable as I am, requires strenght. I hope one day you are able to love, so that you feel the happiness I feel, whenever I get to be in your presence.

being lost, for as long as I am, makes one lose the sensibility to love. 

eternity means nothing. life means even less. everything means nothing if I can't be yours.

in my heart, mind and soul there lays a certain sadness. 

the bitterness i taste by loving you leaves me wondering...

am i not good enough? is it that hard for someone like you to love me?

in reality, I have shown all I have to give.

it hurts. it hurts so much i can barely breathe.

i don't eat, i don't sleep.

everyday looks exactly the same for I am lost in the lines, of my poems and songs.

i tried to show you that yes, you are worthy of love.

the time spent, the things I gave and the paint of my pencils were all in vain.

yet again, I have failed myself.

I have, once again, gave someone, unworthy, all I am.

it wasn't enough. it never is.

the poems are all ruined.

my vision, blured by my tears, shows me only what could have been.

we could have helped each other grow.

if I was given the chance, I would have been your soulmate.

God must have others plans for me.

God, I now know what I don't deserve.

and, God, if by any chance, you read my poems, please show me someone who loves me.

to love as I is to suffer.

I am tired of suffering.

God... please, God, help me find my other half.

life's been hard. not just for me but for most.

this will be my last time writing about her.

because for me, this chapter is closed

i am tired.

i am tired of people,

more shallow than rain puddles.

no one appreciates my kindess,

no one takes a minute to try to understand me.

at the end of the day, no one cares.

so why should i care?

oh, i don't know...

perhaps because i am idiotic,

or, perhaps, because i give myself no value.

praying for a tomorow, where i can be dead,

as become part of my daily routine.

once again, i am tired.

tired of waking up in pain,

sleeping in pain,

existing in pain.

it is an agonazing feeling.

curiously enough,

this daily pain still isn't the reason why i want to give up...

who i am and the way i am are both things not meant for this world.

i don't fit in crowds,

i don't fit in anyone's heart.

i am always by myself,

always alone,

always unwanted.

i resent people,

humanity,

divinity,

but, most importantly, 

i resent myself.

fuck me, right?

    hey. pst, hey you! yes, you shams! i was hoping i got to sleep tonight but i can't. not because i am not sleepy but because the direction of silk and dreams lies on an opposite direction to what you awaken in me today by just being who you are and doing what you do best. the sun is the source of energy to most living organisms. the sun can even be food to some of them. you are like that to my ideas. 

    when most people give up others keep moving forward. not because they don't want to give up but because something greater than themselves keeps them from sucumbing to failure. to truly fail is to be satisfied with an average result. to be defeated is to lower your arms and give in to despair.

    watching you today made me realize, everyone deals with their own personalized hell. we're all flawed. we all fail, once in a while. to truly suceed we must fail. not just once, but as many times needed. with every failed attempt to reach a goal, we lose hope. don't lose hope little sun. if you ever feel everyone is against, look above. if you feel like no one believes in you, look inside.

    if you could speak to a younger version of yourself, would she be proud of who you are? i do not know the answer to that question but if the answer is no, what is stopping you from becoming who you always dreamt of being?

    yesterday you were strong. so strong it touched my heart. i was sad by watching you being upset and frustrated. i know how you were feeling because, even if you don't realize it, we are similar people. even thou i was sad at first, i kept watching you for a while. the stream kept going... you persisted. i was so proud of you and happy.

    you are an amasing person. even if you don't believe in me now one day i am sure you will. because, how could an amasing person not see her own awesomeness?

    if the room you are becomes dark, so dark you can't see anything, reach out your hand. friends are like windows that can bring the light inside your dark room. i am but a window and i cannot light up your room without you opening me first.

     if you ever do need to be reminded how much of a beautiful human being you are, talk to me. It won't be difficult for me to find ways to compliment you.

    always be yourself. you are more than enough :)