my head hurts.

has they scream my name, silently,

i slit open the scars that prevented my demons to come out.

with a knife, this knife, i killed myself,

over and over again,

and, with each new cicle,

of a spree of self destruction,

i am born.

time and time again,

i can see death's face.

i can feel its breath,

on my face,

i can feel its touch,

in my heart.

i was made, yes,

not by someone divine,

on the contrary,

i am evil,

and only in the darkness i find confort.

i embrace the monster i am,

has i lick the blood from my wrists.

if i am someone,

why can i not see my own reflection?

the voices are loud,

far to loud for me to tell wich is mine.

am i just a voice?

maybe, i always was but a voice,

a burning cigar,

and a hollow self.

i wanted to be saved,

but now it is too late.

too far deep have i sank,

to ever be rescued.

goodbye.

a vida foge pelo espaço que existe entre os meus dedos. os dias viraram noites e as noites dias. o meu despertar já não é tanto um momento de apreciação mas sim uma maldição. tenho, por vezes, pensamentos obscuros. sonho, com os olhos abertos, pois já nem mesmo os meus pesadelos me assustam. se existe algo capaz de me assustar? sim. o que me assusta não é o quanto me resta de vida, mas sim a incapacidade de viver o pouco que me resta. sou grande na incerteza de que sou alguém de verdade. após criar tantas máscaras, não consigo recordar mais a minha própria feição. tapei, com ligaduras, os buracos por onde o meu sangue saia. talvez a minha existência seja um erro. talvez esta realidade inacreditável seja falsa. em momentos destes, a realidade não passa de uma concepção, criada não pela sua genuinidade mas sim pela necessidade que temos em acreditar que as coisas possuem um pingo de verdade. por vezes, nada me parece real. por vezes, nada é real. nesses momentos, em que nada me trás paz, sinto a presença de algo que não consigo negar. algo que não consigo dizer que seja falso. a presença de Deus, em mim, é algo que não consigo entender. porquê eu? não sou especial. não sou bonito, bondoso nem mesmo compreensivo. no entanto, Deus estica-me a mão. sei que toda a minha vida fui guiado. no meio da selva, pela floresta, densa, que é o meu pensamento, encontrei-te. todas as curvas, retas e rotundas que percorri, ou não, levaram-me a ti. sol que dás vida ao jardim infinito ao qual chamo de esperança, gostava de te conseguir abraçar. sei, através de Icarus, que se voar alto e me aproximar de ti irei sumir permanentemente do mundo que nos rodeia. no entanto, a vontade que tenho de te ter nos meus braços é tanta que mesmo sabendo que irei arder por isso abraço-te. se finais forem os momentos em que te tenho, que seja a minha morte o inicio de um romance eterno. que dures, irradies e dês vida até nos voltarmos a encontrar. espero-te nesta e em todas as outras vidas.

in the moments where i despair,

i close my eyes,

i see my pair.

for you only, a love that never dies,

and a bond that never shatters.

out of everything, you are what most matters.

you are the symbol of life,

you are the reason i believe,

one day, you will be wife,

maybe, not to me,

but what gift is greater than love?

and that is what you have shown me.

so, even if lost, in the fog of time,

i will not lose hope.

such is the gift you have given me,

that even being lost i am found,

even crying i am smiling.

no one exists or ever will,

with beauty and divinity,

as pure as yourself,

sun.

sun that is not mine,

or ever will.

maybe the beauty is not in having,

maybe what is truly perfect,

is what we will never have,

but, instead, what we always had,

even without realizing.

and, in all honesty,

i might not be yours,

or even will be.

but, on the other hand,

my heart and thoughts are.

all that i am.

all that i ever will be.

i choose to give,

not to anyone...

anyone but you, Shams.

on days like this, where the sun shines not on me, I wonder and ponder questions far to complex for someone simple as I to answer. i confess, only to God, what goes through my mind. in my prayers I ask for enlightenment. I often pray for a way out of loneliness but, no matter how hard I try, I can not seem to find a way out. tonight i dreamt of you. you whose name resembles everything. 

you are not life itself. you are what keeps live going. on the surface, of the vast ocean, that are my thoughts, i can find you, swimming. 

i often feel the presence of the divine in my dreams. as if told a riddle or shown a mystery, i am left to find the meaning behind this guidance. if you are not meant for me, why do you insist in travelling a continent to visit me while i sleep. if dreams are the only place where i can be with you then i don't ever want to wake up again.

there are times where i feel not like a person. there are even times where i don't even feel anything at all. in the moments where i question. whenever i have doubts. God shows me you. 

i understand not the work of God. i dare not to question the reasons or motives behind what i see. i believe. i feel. and, even when I am not next to you or the light, i feel your warmth touching my skin.

maybe one day... maybe one day you shall see what i see and feel what i feel. one day, you will find love. whenever you find it, I'll be there, waiting with open arms.

i love you.

    

 like a boat, drifts away, so does life.

shallow is a world where i can not be,

empty my mind,

set me free,

unshackle me,

release me.

on a dark painted house,

lies a not so dark heart,

kindness still lingers deep within,

hidden, by masks,

unkown to many.

there are many people,

but no one reaches out,

I sink to the depths of the sea,

where there is only the darkness and me.

sleep tight, child I once was,

enjoy the hapiness while it lasts,

for all that is good ends fast.

like grains of sand on a desert storm,

I am but meaningless,

just one more meat shield on a war field.

the bullets keep hitting my core,

I bleed and bleed again,

but the pain, that once was present, no longer is.

i've become doll.

i've become motionless.