to late to turn back, to early to move on. in times like this I feel the weight of the world on top of my shoulders. it's hard, very hard. in times likes this I think of her and how she's doing. i wonder if she's still alive or if she's forever gone. i have no clue and that doubt haunts me. i feel regret, mostly, but i also feel dissapointed in myself for letting her go the way i did. she deserved better. in times like this i can hear her breath, closely. i can feel her skin and her lips. i don't feel the same way i did before about her or about us, but i do still care, a lot. i tried to reach out to her, see how she was doing. i didn't get any response back. to be honest, i hoped she would. i don't deserve love or to be loved. i don't deserve her attention and, for sure, i don't deserve her. not after all the suffering i've put her through. i'm a monster and, most of all, i'm a coward. if only i could take away all the wrong i did to my grave i would, but i can't. if i were to perish, i'd leave behind all the emotions i feel all day, everyday. i would turn my back on everything, even to those who still care for me. even knowing that i still want to let go. i can't find the motivation or corage to keep facing the trials of life. i don't know what to do. i'm lost. i can't stop thinking. i can't stop hurting. the things she did will carry on forever in me. the things she said will eternaly echo inside my brain. her cry. her anger. her dissapointment. please, someone help me. i'm afraid i won't be able to keep this up much longer. i'm reaching out for a hand that can pull me out of this pit of burning fire where i live and die everday. the best kind of dreams are the ones where i die. the best kind of dreams are the ones where i no longer am. i want to watch all my corrupted blood flowing out of my body. i want to be in a pool of blood, my blood. i want to swallow pills till i can no longer think or move. this anguish and sorrow are making me think all this horrible scenerios. the voices are back and i can't control them. sometimes i let them out and i don't remember what i do. sometimes i fall asleep on a bottomless sea of thoughts where i, slowly, drown. god, give me strenght to last one more day. help me save one more soul. i still have things i need to do before i walk away. there are still things i have to mend. there are still many hardships waiting for me along this cursed and hallow road. darkness and emptyness await. i can't see the light. i'm blinded by all the fog that surrounds me. if i could have a wish, i'd wish to have never existed.