smoking during the night,

staying up til dawn,

writing about her yet again,

is she okay? 

now that i am gone,

is she better?

the space she deserved,

awoke my insecurities,

the traumas came back to life,

and i lost myself yet again,

lost in the silence,

found at the bottom of the sea,

i am a type of poison,

i am a chocker,

slowly but surely,

i'll drain your life away,

just so you throw me away,

like a broken doll,

or something of no use,

just so i can relive,

all the things that make me want to die.

has she smilled i saw her tears,

i couldn't look away,

how beautiful can a soul be,

even clouded by pain,

is still kind enough to laugh,

she doesn't want to hurt anyone,

she wants to leave no scars,

in a way, i was more selfish than her,

even has she tried to end it all,

she thought about me,

i don't deserver her,

i am again reminded of my flaws,

and how ugly i am inside.

one day, she will recover,

she will love and heal,

and, as i lay dying,

on the bathtub,

i will cry,

cause i know i lost her,

the same day i finally found her,

such is the irony in life,

to give something to you,

just to take it away.

breathing underwater,

i have no pulse yet i live,

why do i still care? 

i wonder...

to be killed by love,

and to love what kills you,

are both things natural to me.

it matters not anymore,

to try to help,

to avoid causing damage,

i am but a dog,

naked and dirty,

abandoned at a crossroad.

to bite the hand that feeds you,

to sting your own body...

i know it is but a matter of time.

once again, a river flows in my arm,

once again, the blood drips from my thighs.

i could be saved yet i know i won't be,

not because i am not worthy,

but because the world is cruel,

and so are people.

no one cares at the of the day,

and i pray that i die soon.

i know i will become bitter,

sour and resentful,

the longer i live.

and, if i live like this,

long enough,

i too will make the world burn.

i might not understand exactly how you feel. i may not know all the "whys". i too wish for a way out of loneliness. An escape from a reality that is way too heavy. I manadged to fight these urges and thoughts by seeking strenght in the people that loved me. when I saw my mom running down the street as i was passing out from the pill box i took, i noticed her face of despair and agony. In a way, she saved me. Everytime I am about to give up, i am reminded of that same face. I would never want anyone i love to feel the way she felt because of my actions. I am unsure if this is a good solution or even a solution at all. But it helps me. Maybe it can help you too. I want to be someone who is there for you regardless. I cannot fill the role of a mother, father or sibling. I think I can't even be someone whom you can love romantically. But I am sure I would be able to be your friend. When your time comes, I will cry. I will move on. But i will never forget the teeth behind the prettiest smile I have ever seen. I will be here for you if you ever need someone to talk, make you company or even to enjoy silence and loneliness together.


she says go,

i say no,

words turn cold,

as we unfold,

i keep being told,

walk away,

as if i could,

there is no way,

if i could, i would,

it is unaturally natural, to me,

to seek her company.

to be ordinary,

is what i want to be,

if leaving is what you wish to do,

you do that. you be you.

i cannot stop waves from clashing on the shores,

before being refined, we are like a ore,

crude and simple,

romantic and biblical.

even if you give up,

or when you give up,

i want to be there.

these are my wishes,

fair or unfair,

i am but a hand that reaches,

i want to show,

not just with words.

that i am sorry.

to love is to worry,

and I too have my demons,

my own reasons,

to act like the boy i was,

my "because",

it reminded me of when mom left.

heart theft.

when i am thinking in bed.

angry and scared

broken and sad,

i am tainted yet i was spared.

Arrowless bow,

Uncertanty chords,

eternal internal conflict,

shapeless yet concrete,

the art in loving,

to see not a body,

but a heart, sturdy,

as if sharing,

who i am and what made me this way,

maybe, you will find a solution,

dennie the voices that obey,

stand proud like a lion.

because you are amazing...

you are strong yet so gentle,

you're brave enough to be kind,

you choose to trust,

you care,

you love,

just like me.

i see you,

laying on the ground,

beaten up,

dirt covers your face,

and yet,

you smile.

i know deep inside you are crying,

asking for someone,

somebody.

in your darkest moments,

i was selfish.

i cannot move on,

until i make amends with it,

i won't ask for forgiveness anymore,

i will earn it.

if you choose to push me,

i will cry,

i will hurt,

but,

i will respect it.

to be scarred,

not in the skin,

but in your heart,

or,

to be wounded,

by yourself.

it changes anybody.

yet again,

i failed,

i regret,

and i will move on.

    Hey, stinky you. If you are reading this, I won't be avaiable to annoy you anymore. I am writting you this because knowing myself, I won't be able to resist the urges to hurt myself. 

    I see now, at the end, that God wanted to show me the meaning behind the world love. I never felt this way before. Atleast not the extreme where i would be willing to abandon my home for someone else. I would do that only for you. 

    I know you feel alone and that it bothers you and I am sorry i wasn't strong enough to handle life's struggles. Sometimes i lose all hope for a better future. I can't see clearly right now. It is as if my mind was surrounded by fog.

    Out of all the parts of my life you manadged to be the best part of it in only a matter of weeks. You are my favorite person in the whole world. It matters not to me that you don't feel the same way about me. To me, what was most important was to be of use and help you find a way out of loneliness. 

    I know for a fact you have the strenght in you to overcome life's adversities. Every atempt to end yourself as been unsucessful. Ever wondered why? Most people would be dead a long time ago. You are brave enough to be kind. I admire that in you.

    If there is a life after death, i hope we meet there. Just make sure to take a shower you stinkyyyyy. 

    I love who you are Cecilia. I hope one day you will love yourself too. 

    Yours truly, Henrique Silva

i am what remains,

damaged goods, so they say,

a life of nothingness,

for nothing itself,

i am no one,

i bare no name,

no face or soul.

the past me,

burried long ago,

was food to the soil,

and a feast for the worms.

i devoured them,

one after the other,

i hate the world,

its creatures,

i despice life itself,

so, i shall write, now, poems,

to disturb and divide,

to instigate war,

as if a bomb,

sent for global anihalation.

the monsters no longer scare me,

i am them just as much as they are me,

human life is sinful,

therefore,

we must perish,

together,

with hands held,

to oblivion and extinsion.